BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.