Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You Might Also Like
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I don’t get marriage