amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.