Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
So sick of all these stupid rules
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude