Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
You Might Also Like
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”