[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
and this one
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.