she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.