my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
#math
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR