If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
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A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels