My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: