*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”