Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
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GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.