I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Jesus Christ lmao
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.