what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Growing out my freckles.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.