[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?