My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants