I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.