My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
You Might Also Like
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!