*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
This was a bad idea all around
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.