date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
🙂🐾
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO