The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his