Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*