I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people