My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
That was easy.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.