me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.