dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second