Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy