People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Lol.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.