Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Note to self: always read the final line
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob