You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
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Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.