Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Camping tip: No.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve