Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Search History:
Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
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I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it