4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
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Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.