If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
this could fix me
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Saw online –
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche