The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
And that about sums it up.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?