[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“HELP WITH CAT”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?