I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.