Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
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Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?