Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
You Might Also Like
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.