Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
You Might Also Like
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Great acting.. 😂
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.