You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
You Might Also Like
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you鈥檙e not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 馃敟
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever鈥ow Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else鈥檚 house.