Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
You Might Also Like
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
j o i m p
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”