Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I identify as an antique shop.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.