Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Well, shit
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here