If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way