When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
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me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*