Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
CUTE CAT‼︎
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.