If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
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The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”