I identify with this toooooo much. πππππ
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The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*Jumps out of bed
βSeize the day!!β
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I donβt even know anyone named βLol.β
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I canβt even understand the direct ones.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Funny cuz itβs true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now Iβm hoping for the best
Apparently new moms are supposed to βsleep when the baby sleeps,β but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasnβt looking
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighborβs party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me: *putting on docuseries about the βYorkshire Ripperβ*
Husband: isnβt that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
βͺit’s just a bruuuise βͺ
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
just saw a church sign that says, βsanta claus never died for anyone.β and iβm like, βokay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.β
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. Theyβll get eaten
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on