[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.